IMAGINE being the fourth best at something. Anything.

Most people couldn’t say they were in the top 100 of anything, or the top 10,000 or even the top 100,000.

With my commitment to the cause, I estimate that I am somewhere in the top 250,000 people in England able to sit splendidly motionless on a sofa, watching six football matches in a row on a Sunday – but who can really tell without official rankings.

Imagine being fourth best at something, though? I’d choose to be the fourth best in all of England at pool and then go back and somehow find the guy who nobody used to beat on the “winner stays on” table at the Bull and Gate in Kentish Town – when it had a pool table instead of luxurious couches – and hustle him real bad with my new talent.

The show-off used to bring his own cue.

Or maybe I could be the fourth best at writing newspaper columns, and you’d all have a better experience turning to the back page every week… as I know you do.

There would be David Walsh on the Sunday Times for exposing Lance Armstrong’s cheating, Stacy Solomon for Stacy Says in The Sun, obviously, Adrian Chiles on the Guardian even if he has yet to better his slightly enthused entry about installing a urinal in his house – and then me, right there in fourth place. Being witty.

“Fourth best in England” is a massive achievement, not something to press a nuclear bikini button over– just because you are not quite on the podium.

And yet here we are, with our friends at Spurs who are currently the fourth best football club in the entire nation and yet still feel the need to continuously set their house on fire and subject us to endless rounds of self-flagellation.

Terms like Spurs, Levy, Conte and Kim Kardashian have been trending all week on social media and even the most gleeful Gooner must be beginning to tire of how predictable it has now become up the road.

We find the Spurs ownership, management and fanbase murderously furious with each other because there will be no trophy again this season – but fourth place is no catastrophe in Europe’s toughest league. You’d think by the tantrums being thrown this week that they were fighting relegation and about to have their stadium’s fondue room repossessed.

The fans of most clubs in the 92-team pyramid never see their team win a trophy – this is a common experience – but they don’t all have the England captain in their team, some away days in Europe, a go-kart track being built at their ground and FOURTH place in the Premier League.

With a bit of calm, Tottenham would be just fine.