YOU probably don’t know this but Real Zaragoza only won the Cup Winners Cup final back in 1995 because of my mother – and her outrageous decision to turn the radio on to see “how they are getting on” two minutes before the end.

She was under strict instructions not to do this, as whenever she casually checked in on how Arsenal were doing that season a goal would suddenly go in against the Gunners.

With my father at the game in Paris and me watching upstairs on TV, she was sadly free to wreak havoc. And so it was: I heard her turn the kitchen radio on and the commentary coming to life. A minute later, Nayim miskicked it into the goal from the halfway line. Arsenal had lost.

A lot of water and forgiveness has of course flowed under the bridge – and her capacity for such sorcery doesn’t seem to be there any more.

She can turn the radio on and off as many times as she wants and it doesn’t appear to make any difference to the score. It was almost as if her ability to supercharge an opponent with a wireless switch reached its apex that night.

So this week’s column is a straight-up appeal to anybody else with similar powers.

When England play France on Saturday evening, under no circumstances do the thing that always causes the other thing to happen.

Do not wear the England shirt you always wear – the one you think is retro. You were wearing it when England lost to Argentina, Portugal, Croatia and for all of those other disasters. You are controlling the results by wearing that shirt. Please stop it.

Also, do not go to the pub to which you have said about many times: “We always lose whenever we watch it in there”. This quarter-final is not the time to be experimenting with some “it can’t land on red 50 times in a row” system. If we always lose when you go to that pub, don’t go to that pub on Saturday night.

Please also do not wear lucky hats/socks/pants that stopped being lucky several years ago. They smell.

And, above all, if you’re not that interested in the football, do not turn on the radio just to see how it’s going. England needs you now.